You want to talk it through. They go quiet. The harder you push, the further they retreat, and round it goes again.
Most couples who keep having the same argument are caught in one simple loop. See if you recognise yourself, and your partner, below.
If you are the one who chases:
- Silence frightens you, so you push to sort things out straight away
- When they pull back, you feel anxious and chase harder
- You raise problems often, because leaving them unspoken feels worse
- You end up feeling needy, then ashamed of feeling needy
If you are the one who pulls away:
- When things heat up, you shut down or go blank
- You need space before you can talk, but space looks like rejection to them
- You keep the peace and play down problems, hoping they pass
- You often feel got at, or that nothing you do is quite enough
Neither of you is the problem. Your two ways of staying safe are colliding.
Where the loop comes from
We each learn, early in life, how to handle the moments when we feel under threat in a close relationship. Some of us learned that turning up the feeling and pressing for a response was the way to be heard. Others learned the opposite, that going quiet, coping alone and not making a fuss was the safer path. Both are sensible solutions to the relationships we grew up in.
The catch is that these two styles feed each other. One person reaching out reads as pressure to the other, who withdraws, which reads as abandonment to the first, who then reaches harder. The very thing each of you does to feel safe sets off the other. That is why the argument repeats, whatever it is supposedly about.
The hopeful part
This loop is not a sign that you are wrong for each other. Once you can see the pattern, you can step out of it. With support, individuals or couples learn to hear the hidden feeling underneath the other’s behaviour. The worry beneath the silence, and the longing beneath the chasing. From there you can slow the cycle down instead of speeding it up, and reach each other again.
How I can help
Step 1: First session I help you map out your particular loop so you understand what you and your partner are each protecting.
Step 2: Therapy This can be done with you on your own, or as a couple together. Across a series of sessions you learn to spot the cycle as it starts, name what you actually feel underneath, and respond in a way that calms it rather than fuels it.
Step 3: Ongoing support Once things settle, you can return for the occasional session whenever life puts the old pattern under strain.
If you are feeling stuck or tired of having the same argument, a conversation can help. Book an appointment with Dr. Florence Yeung for a confidential consultation.
This approach draws on the Dynamic Maturational Model of attachment, which understands our coping styles as strategies that once kept us safe and that can be reshaped in adulthood.
